The Language Your Players Borrow
An excellent graphic from @thesensiblesexpert immediately made me think of two places I've heard the word "female" used.
NBA player Michael Porter Jr’s silly self on damn near every podcast he’s ever appeared on talking about “females be like” or “females are my vice”…
In my own team room, it's not something I hear every day, but I've heard it often enough that it caught my attention: "That's just how females are, man."
I think the entire slide show is worth your time, and this is an example of a session you can run as more educational than accusatory. My guess is many high school boys have never actually been taught the distinction. They've simply repeated language they've heard from peers, podcasts, social media, or adults. This doesn’t have to be a lecture from on high session where you come down on them necessarily.
More effective would be to approach it with “Have you heard this before” and “what context/what sentence structure did you hear it used”. Write all those out on the whiteboard and then launch into why using “females be like” should be avoided. As the author in the IG post points out, the issue isn't the word female. The issue is using a biological label in places where we'd normally refer to people as women. It subtly shifts the language away from personhood and toward categorization.
While I am loathe to sanitize any TeamsOfMen sessions (too often we hear people weaponize something like “meet them where they are” and really what they are asking for is “don’t make them feel bad” protection for men) but I do think semantics in language can be nuanced and this is a good opportunity to adjust tone. When the goal is learning rather than winning an argument, coaches can still be direct while helping athletes understand why language shapes the way we think about other people.
Coach Prompts
Where have you heard your athletes casually repeat language from podcasts, social media, or influencers without thinking about what it communicates?
How can you create space for players to examine language without making the conversation feel like a public shaming?
What everyday phrases have become "normal" in your locker room that deserve a closer look?
Player Prompts
Where do you think most of the phrases you use about girls and women originally came from?
When someone refers to a group as "females," what message do you think it sends compared with saying "women" or "girls"?
Can you think of words or phrases you've stopped using because you learned they affected people differently than you intended?
Run Your Program's System Audit
You wouldn't let your team play a game without a scouting report, yet most athletic programs leave their decision systems entirely to chance.
If today's post made you wonder what everyday messages your athletes are absorbing—and reinforcing—inside your locker room, don't guess.
Click here to run the free Decision Confidence Analysis™ and discover where your program is reinforcing healthy decision-making—and where hidden gaps may still exist.
The First Thing They Say Matters
First assignment(s) before going any further in this blog:
Click on the image above and WATCH the video.
Pay particular attention to the woman on the right (red arrow I added to the screen grab above should help you find her).
Now, as you watch, you can also be given context that this happened post game of the TBT tourney and the team in blue had hit a buzzer beater to win on the team in black’s home floor (I don’t want to waste time going over the details of what the TBT is, who the two teams are, etc because to do so I think would lean into ‘hey, you gotta understand emotions were high” bullshit excuses people are already assigning to the melee that took place). The post is from the woman, and you can read the litany of injuries she suffered during this.
Now, play the video for your team and staff. Then, without any other questions or words from you or the players allowed, show the image below (whichshow the image below, which reflects a sentiment repeated throughout the comment section.)
Men are literally jumping in this woman’s comments to explain why it was somehow HER FAULT for getting her nose broken and face smashed here. That “she should know better” than to get in the middle of men losing their goddamn minds over a silly game. This is clearly, as I stated above, victim blaming. This is obviously sanitizing and excusing of men’s emotional illiteracy and the harm they cause when in the throws of it. Hell, there’s even other women blaming her for not knowing to leave when men escalate.
I want you to garner input from your staff and players without my obvious leaning here. I want you to gauge your room and I want you to understand that if you have a staff or team full of dudes repeating this comment, you have a culture of complicity and a climate that excuses violence. Period.
I can’t sugar coat it for you. At a minimum, I'd hope your players respond with empathy: "Oh my God...that poor woman."
At the highest level, I'd hope they're angry—not simply because someone was injured, but because they recognize the comments afterward as another example of excusing men's inability to regulate themselves.
Unfortunately, I don't think enough locker rooms are there yet.
Moments like this are why I don't believe a single guest speaker changes a program. They reveal beliefs that have been quietly rehearsed for years. If we want different first reactions, we have to spend years building different first instincts. That's why TeamsOfMen has never been about one conversation.
It's about changing the scripts players automatically reach for when moments like this happen.
Coach Prompts
Before offering your perspective, what did your players' first reactions reveal about the beliefs already present in your locker room?
When harmful situations happen, does your team instinctively ask, "What happened to her?" or "Why was she there?" What does that difference tell you?
How intentionally are you shaping your players' first instincts, not just their answers after discussion?
Player Prompts
What was the very first thought you had after watching the video?
Why do you think so many people immediately focused on what the woman "should have done" instead of what caused her injuries?
If someone had been hurt trying to stop a fight involving one of your teammates, what responsibility would your team have afterward?
Run Your Program's System Audit
This discussion wasn't really about a basketball fight.
It was about the invisible beliefs your players and coaches reached for before anyone started teaching. Every athletic program is building those scripts—whether intentionally or not.
If today's exercise made you wonder what beliefs are quietly shaping decisions inside your own locker room, don't guess.
Click here to run the free Decision Confidence Analysis™ and discover where your program is reinforcing healthy decision-making—and where hidden gaps may still exist.
Helping Players Sit With Discomfort
“This is uncomfortable, not dangerous.”
I LOVE THIS from an IG post by @health_anxiety that came across my feed last week.
Not just because I’m someone who has long dealt with a raging, unending health anxiety (show me a tv show with a character suffering an ailment, and I’ll be convinced I have it in under 3 minutes), but also because I think it captures something much bigger about the way we experience everyday life.
Whether it be in sports, our professional lives, or our roles at home, we're going to be bombarded with uncomfortable moments. Hopefully, true danger is something we experience only rarely. But discomfort? That's simply part of being alive.
As coaches, we're already comfortable teaching this in athletics. We ask our players to embrace discomfort in conditioning, the weight room, skill development, and close games because we know that's where growth happens. Where I think we often fall short is helping them recognize that the same principle applies away from competition. Discomfort during a hard conversation, while receiving accountability, or while challenging a belief we've always held can be just as necessary for growth as another sprint or another set in the weight room.
Too often we let our players—and ourselves—escape those moments. We walk away from the sexist joke because confronting it feels awkward. We ignore the racist framing because we don't want to make the room uncomfortable. We let a disrespectful comment slide because speaking up feels harder than staying quiet.
But that's exactly the point. If we want young men to grow, we have to help them understand that feeling uncomfortable isn't automatically a sign something is wrong. Sometimes it's a sign that an old belief, habit, or assumption is being challenged. They'll willingly change how they run a route, shoot a basketball, or attack a full-count fastball because they believe improvement is worth the temporary discomfort. Our job is to help them develop that same mindset when it comes to becoming better teammates, partners, fathers, and men.
One more reason I wanted to share this full carousel of images: It is built around sentences your guys can use to calm themselves in moments of anxiety. FANTASTIC resource to allow us to have more tools to offer than just “Hey, calm down.” Most athletes already know they should calm down. Very few have ever been taught how.
Coach Prompts
Where do you intentionally teach your players to embrace discomfort outside of practices and games?
What conversations does your team tend to avoid because they feel awkward rather than unsafe?
How do you help athletes distinguish between situations that are genuinely dangerous and those that are simply uncomfortable?
Player Prompts
When was the last time you avoided doing the right thing because it felt uncomfortable?
What's one conversation you've been putting off that probably isn't dangerous—just difficult?
Why do you think growth so often begins with feeling uncomfortable before it feels rewarding?
Run Your Program's System Audit: You wouldn't let your team play a game without a scouting report, yet most athletic programs leave their decision systems entirely to chance.
If today's post made you wonder what invisible scripts are running through your own locker room or athletic department, don't guess.
Click here to run a quick Decision Confidence Analysis (DeCA) and see where your program is reinforcing health decision-making…and where hidden gaps may exist.
What Happens When It's Your Colleague?
I really wish we had access to (or could rework the algorithms for) feeds on X or IG or LinkedIN that showed more examples of male athletes engaging in unlearning the manbox and reimagining what a healthy manhood could be. Instead, what we get—because of both the algorithms and the sheer volume of harmful behavior—is an endless stream of examples where sports fail to teach the life lessons we claim they do.
Today’s post falls in that category, as a fantastic new account on IG we discovered (@notallclubs) posted the above slides about a recent event where once again a coach was not the interruptor of nonsense, but instead an active participant in it. As you read through the slides, don't picture your own program. Picture the athletic department you work in. Maybe it's another coach. Maybe it's someone in another sport. Maybe it's someone you've respected for years. BUT, if some other coaching colleague at your HS or your university committed this act, then apologized to his own players instead of the women he allegedly harmed, what would you expect to happen to them?
Maybe even a better question to chew on from this is “How would I react if it was a friend of mine? What would I tell my own staff? How would I approach this topic with my team?” because if any of those answers involve sanitizing of what he did, or both sidesing nonsense that lets you stay neutral somehow, I want you to check yourself. That is not you building a “culture of excellence”…it’s you creating an environment of at best ignorance and at worst complicity.
Coach Prompts
If a coach in your own athletic department engaged in harmful behavior, what response would align with the values you say your program holds?
Are there situations where loyalty to a colleague can quietly become complicity?
What message do your players receive when they watch adults decide who deserves accountability and who deserves protection?
Player Prompts
Why do you think it's often harder to hold friends accountable than strangers?
If someone apologizes to the people who support them but not to the people they harmed, what does that communicate?
When people talk about "team culture," what actions actually prove that culture exists?
Run Your Program's System Audit: You wouldn't let your team run a game without a scout, but most programs leave their systemic accountability entirely to chance. If reading this makes you wonder what invisible scripts are running in your own department's locker rooms, don't guess at it.
Click here to run a quick system alignment audit on your program.
The Difference Between Mistakes and Patterns
You ever wake up feeling like “I got time today”?
What do I mean by that?
I mean that I find myself writing today in a mood to take on topics that someday I just don’t have the energy for. Topics that I KNOW will lead to back and forths with casuals who haven’t done the reading, haven’t heard the research from experts, and who are so entrenched in a defensive posture that it is mostly pointless to argue with them. But, today is one of those days I feel like writing about it anyway, because the post above from X demands it.
Here’s the gist: this is less a Taylor Lewan specific rant from me than it is a plea to coaches and male athletes to decide what it means to be “a good guy.” What ACTIONS does it actually take for us to reasonably expect society to give us that label…or maybe even better…for us to EARN that label. Why the trigger here from this post about an ex NFL linemen, known for inciting rage responses via hot takes (and actions) suddenly both getting a new show (and no doubt large salary) from ESPN and being exposed for past horrific comments towards a survivor.
We LOVE to hide behind “we don’t know what happened” (right up to the moment we find out what happened and because it doesn’t fit our agenda, decide we can’t EVER decide upon truth unless we phyiscally are present for it).
We LOVE to claim “everyone makes mistakes” but then never demand someone who simply made a mistake display, through actions and words, that the mistake was the outlier of behavior…the singular moment they showed lapse in character, compared to a lifetime of being a good person (most often, the mistake is part of a pattern that is NEVER changed).
If we had a player who consistently made the wrong decision as a quarterback throwing the ball, or a catcher calling pitches or a shooting guard shot selection and they came to our staff one day and said “I”m actually a great decision maker. I apologize for the past 500 times I wasn’t” and then went out and made the exact same mistake, would we rage when someone questioned our sanity for playing him again?
Of course not.
But, coaches and athletes will flood posts above that question Lewan’s character and cape for a guy who as never shown himself to be “above the allegations”.
WHY WHY WHY?
That’s worth your time if you are around your guy’s today.
Coach Prompts
How does your program distinguish between a mistake, a repeated behavior, and a pattern of character?
What actions would convince you that someone has genuinely changed after causing harm?
Do your players believe "being a good guy" is something you claim or something you continually demonstrate?
Player Prompts
What's the difference between apologizing and changing?
If someone calls you "a good guy," what evidence would they point to?
Should people be judged more by what they say about themselves or by the pattern of their actions?
When "We'll Wait and See" Isn't Enough
Even without the record setting number of viewers for the final match (I believe north of 60 million), the World Cup captured the attention of the world these past 5 weeks. I can admit I am a casual soccer (futbol) fan at best, but I absolutely watched a ton of games and found myself finding new nations to cheer for alongside Team USA. But the post above (originally on IG from @thewomensjournaluk) caught my attention, as it spoke to not just a TeamsOfMen of lens (aka believe survivors) but also to something I’ve seen young men struggle greatly with:
How do I honor a commitment to believe survivors in a world where I also respect the principle of “innocent until proven guilty”?
I LOVE what England defender Djed Spence did here. He made a statement by simply not shaking hands with Thomas Partey (who has been accused of seven counts of rape and is awaiting trial) post match. He didn’t make a declarative “You did it” but he also didn’t bro hug him and pretend being on the pitch was a magic elixir that removes all credibility of Partey’s accuser. He walked past him. Simple. Not a declaration of guilt, but also not a blind naivete to the serious accusations against his former teammate.
At worst, if Partey didn’t commit the crime, Spence will later have to say “Hey, I didn’t shake your hand” but also if Partey IS found responsible, Spence did not cosign him and some sort of escape to the world of soccer. So often, I believe, coaches and teammates get twisted in knots over “well, I gotta see the evidence”…sure you can say that, but in the meantime, while we’re all waiting on the “evidence” this person doesn’t need to be playing a sport. They don’t need to be locked up either, but they damn sure shouldn’t be getting the glory of scoring touchdowns or goals.
People have asked me over the years how I could comfortably coach with a policy that said, "If you're accused of certain forms of harmful behavior, you won't compete until the matter is resolved."
My answer has always been simple. I understand there is risk in that decision. I also understand there is risk in the opposite decision. If you tell me that false allegations are uncommon, I'm willing to accept the possibility that I may occasionally hold an innocent player out rather than repeatedly create an environment where survivors learn our program defaults to skepticism. Coaches make decisions under uncertainty every single day. We call plays that don't always work. We foul at the end of games. We press knowing someone will eventually beat it. Leadership is often about deciding which risk you're willing to live with.
In fact, along these lines, I would have a serious conversation with yourself, with your admin and with your staff (all BEFORE you roll something out to your guys): As we navigate claims of harmful behavior against our guys, what level of participation in our program are we comfortable with? The answers you land on will speak volumes to your belief systems.
Coach Prompts
Before an allegation ever reaches your program, what principles do you want guiding your response?
What's the difference between determining criminal guilt and deciding who represents your team?
How would you explain your program's approach to both the accused athlete and the person making the allegation?
Player Prompts
Is there a difference between saying, "I know he did it," and saying, "I'm going to take these allegations seriously"? Why?
What responsibilities come with representing a team, school, or community beyond simply following the law?
How should teammates balance loyalty to one another with accountability when serious allegations arise?
Every Emotion Is Carrying a Message
I liked this on IG from @6secondseq for a couple of reasons:
I think there is always tremendous value in listing multiple emotions, as so many young men can’t name past "I’m cool” or “I’m pissed”
Labeling the REACTIONS associated with feeling these emotions is vital, as your players can make the connection with moments in their life when the action matches the description
I haven’t seen NEEDS listed on very many charts like this. I have seen the “what might help” (which I really like because we all crave action), but laying out the why and what of the information that particular emotion is giving you is a revelation
The visuals! Inside Out is very popular movie, and if you have high school aged players, many of them probably watched that movie when they were younger and can connect to their memories of the characters
I could see this being an entire program activity, where you put up this table, but MISSING certain segments. Say a group of seniors is up (3-4 of them) and they are given the 3rd line, with only the visual picture and “react quickly or become defensive” segments. They then have to work together to populate the missing pieces of that line of the chart. Put a timer on it and watch the fun AND learning happen.
Remember, TeamsOfMen work doesn't require a doctorate in psychology or counseling. It doesn't require you to become an expert in emotional intelligence before you begin these conversations. It simply asks you to create intentional moments where the topic isn't the game your players are competing in, but the lives they're living outside of it. That's where posts like this become a gold mine. You don't have to create every activity from scratch. Sometimes the best thing you can do is recognize a quality resource, adapt it for your team, and let the discussion do the heavy lifting.
Coach Prompts
Where do your players typically stop when describing how they feel? Is your team emotionally literate, or do most conversations end with "I'm good," "I'm fine," or "I'm pissed"?
Which column on this chart would create the best discussion with your team: Feelings, Reactions, Needs, or What Might Help?
What existing resources have you seen recently that could become a meaningful five-minute team activity with just a little adaptation?
Player Prompts
Which emotion on this chart do you think is most misunderstood by guys your age? Why?
Looking at the "Needs" column, was there anything that surprised you or challenged the way you've thought about emotions before?
If your teammates had to describe you during a stressful week, which reaction on this chart would they probably choose? Is it accurate?
If We Swapped Jerseys...
Today’s blog is based on this IG post from @akisnba_ and I think it serves as the perfect reminder that we are training a new lens for our players to use when interacting with the world. Whether that be through pop culture, current sporting events, or the communities they call home, we're trying to help young men develop a different lens for interpreting the world around them. If we're doing this work correctly, they should increasingly be able to recognize and call out moments where the Man Box is at play, even when nobody points it out for them.
This post highlights one of those moments. It asks readers to compare the way identical behaviors are described depending on whether the athlete is a man or a woman. A man can have a "killer instinct." A woman displaying that same competitive edge is labeled "too aggressive." If a man's emotions boil over during competition, he's praised for being passionate about winning. A woman showing those same emotions becomes "too much drama." The labels change, but the behavior often doesn't.
The examples continue, but what I want you to really lean into with your guys isn't whether they agree with every single comparison. Instead, ask them when they first became aware that one gender was given permission while the other was not. At what point did they begin to recognize that the exact same characteristic could be celebrated in one person while criticized in another simply because of gender? That's a much more interesting conversation than debating any one athlete or headline.
Because if our culture creates two different standards for something as public and relatively insignificant as a basketball game, imagine the expectations it creates in workplaces, relationships, parenting, politics, and leadership. Imagine how many invisible rules boys and girls absorb long before anyone explicitly teaches them.
That's why I love using posts like this with teams. They aren't designed to tell players what conclusion they have to reach. They're designed to sharpen their ability to recognize patterns. And once someone begins recognizing those patterns, it's incredibly difficult to go back to believing they don't exist. That's the heart of Mirror Training. Not memorizing the "right" answer, but developing the awareness to notice systems and structures that only continue operating when nobody stops long enough to question them.
Coach Prompts
What messages about masculinity and femininity are your players picking up from sports that you never explicitly teach?
When have you caught yourself describing the same behavior differently depending on who was displaying it?
How often do you pause to ask your team why we use certain words to describe athletes?
Player Prompts
Looking at the graphic, which pair of labels surprised you the most? Why?
Can you think of an athlete—male or female—who has been described differently than someone else displaying the same behavior?
Have you ever changed the way you acted because you thought people would judge you differently?
Your Locker Room Is Rehearsing Something
This post from @lewiswedlock on IG stopped my scroll dead in its tracks. Not because it was some new revelation, but because it was so simple in its labeling “locker room talk” for what it actually is.
Way too often we hear players—and sometimes even their coaches—excuse the spewing of awful beliefs as acceptable simply because it happened behind the dingy walls of a team room. These first two slides refuse to grant that exemption.
"Public utterance."
"...under the guise of banter."
Those two phrases perfectly capture what we've participated in and, too often, allowed inside the supposedly "safe spaces" of sport. As if the walls of a locker room somehow sanitize the toxicity of the conversation. As if changing the location changes the impact.
There's another belief hiding underneath the phrase "locker room talk" that deserves challenging.
It assumes young men say awful things while taking off their shoulder pads or hanging up their practice jerseys, then somehow leave those beliefs behind in the same sweaty pile of gear.
I don't buy that.
If they're rehearsing misogyny together in the locker room, there's a good chance those same beliefs travel with them into classrooms, relationships, parties, group chats, and every other community they enter after they leave the gym.That's why I think we have to stop treating locker room language as the problem.
It's evidence of the problem.
The language points us toward the beliefs underneath it.
TeamsOfMen exists to help coaches do more than simply mute racist or misogynistic language inside their programs. The work is helping players recognize, challenge, and ultimately unlearn the beliefs that produced those words in the first place.
Because if all we've accomplished is quieter misogyny, we haven't accomplished much at all.
Coaches Prompts
What's one phrase you've heard so often that you've stopped noticing it?
When you correct language, do you also explore the belief underneath it?
What conversations have you dismissed because "that's just locker room talk"?
Players Prompts
Why do people say things in a locker room they'd never say in class?
Does joking about something make the belief disappear—or normalize it?
If your words reveal your thinking, what are your words teaching your teammates?
Stop Repairing the Explosion. Coach the Pause.
I’m hoping today’s graphic share (from a post by industry leader @acalltomen) is an easy to share graphic that a large range of ages in your team room can understand. I’ve run many a session on emotional fluency using the concept of overflowing water bottles and the visual is a powerful connector for male athletes.
I was also drawn to the side by side (shoulder to shoulder) nature of the graphic because I think the flow for your players eyes will be an easy “this INSTEAD OF that” action. Whether it's a defensive read, a passing progression, or a late-game decision, we simplify choices all the time because clarity helps execution, so why not deploy some of that same shaping in our building of their emotional fluency.
Finally, I think the “PAUSE” inclusion on the first section of the graphic is vital. It leads to a “CHOOSE YOU RESPONSE” which I think returns agency to young men during emotional roller coaster moments. It’s not as easy, obviously as a graphic makes it out to be BUT the pause (preferably with a deep breath) can head off a number of reactions with our words and bodies that we would otherwise regret.
And that's probably the one adjustment I'd make if I were presenting this to a team.
I wouldn't tell them the goal is to "process your emotions." I'd tell them the goal is to become the kind of teammate who doesn't make a bad moment worse.
Most male athletes already know what it feels like to have a teammate spiral after a turnover, a bad call, a missed shot, or a tense conversation with a coach. They know what it looks like when someone says, "I'm fine," only to snap five minutes later.
This graphic gives them something much more practical than "be emotional." It gives them a sequence.
Notice.
Pause.
Choose.
That's a skill worth practicing just like a closeout, a free throw routine, or a defensive rotation.
Coaches Prompts
When do your players most struggle to pause before reacting?
What does emotional regulation look like during a practice, not just in life?
How could you reinforce "the pause" the same way you reinforce effort?
Players Prompts
What's usually happening right before you say or do something you regret?
What does "I'm fine" actually mean when you're not?
What would change if your first response wasn't your final response?
‘Interrupting’ Habits: A Challenge for Coaches and Athletes
I know, I know. The blog has been dormant for a week. That is entirely on me.
I was back in Montana, wearing my other hat as the president of the Kas Ioane Foundation (my brother and my project to help honor the legacy of our dad and establish a non profit that gives back to the community he loves). The past 7 days were full of events, including our 136 golfer scramble at his home course that serves ar our primary fundraiser, and I had to practice what I preach so to speak, and put down things I couldn’t carry so I could be more present for urgent matters of the moment.
But, I’m back now and this post had me thinking of not only our team rooms and bus trips (and the various voices of our team in those spaces) but also in the staff rooms where we lead coaches (of various status, identity and experience) in conversation. I LOVE the 7 slides the original author (@nikeaurea) posits to the audience and think they will lead to a literal walk through with yourself imagining what your usual spaces sound like.
I especially interested, for my program and approach, in diving into the slide that asks “Who gets interrupted the most” as I can see myself more often than not interrupting a younger assistant (and that may or may not be something I need to correct).
If you want to run this with your guys, I think it’s worth having them imagine a classroom their in, a family dinner they are at or even in the car with their boys on the way to a movie and ask “What convo is shut down? What convo is engaged in? What convo is met with silence?” and then see where the rest of the session takes you.
Coach Prompts
Reflecting on our last staff meeting, identify one moment where you may have interrupted an assistant coach. What were you trying to achieve in that moment, and how did it impact their contribution?
In your coaching environment, which voices are typically the 'default' leaders, and which voices are consistently met with silence or hesitation?
How can you create more 'space' in your practice or film sessions to ensure younger coaches feel empowered to speak without feeling they need to apologize for their ideas?
Player Prompts
Think about a group setting you are part of outside of basketball—like a family meal or a hang-out with friends. Whose voice carries the most weight, and who feels the need to soften or apologize for their opinions?
In our team locker room or on the bus, what topics of conversation do you notice are often shut down or ignored by the group?
If you were to be more intentional about inviting quiet voices into our team conversations, who would you start with, and what is one question you could ask them to get them talking?
A Baton Pass
Today is more of a baton pass than a blog.
I want you to head over to the first long-form essay I've written in six months over on my Medium page.
It's built around a progression I think every TeamsOfMen coach is silently saying "yes" to when they accept the responsibility of leading young men. I just needed nearly 2,000 words instead of 700 to fully wrestle with it.
MODEL. PREACH. ENACT.
I'd love to know whether the progression resonates with you—or where you think I've gotten it wrong.
What Changed When I Rewrote Two Questions?
I’ll be honest: I just checked my Spotify library for any Vic Mensa tracks and I don’t have ANY. I should probably dive into his catalog more because I’ve written about his social commentary on here before and watch at least 1-2 of them every week. He is typically SPOT ON in his critiques of the social norms and realities of racism and misogyny in this country and if you’re a coach of male athletes (especially one with a diverse locker room) you should follow him as well.
This week's video is especially poignant—and immediately usable in your team space—because he takes on the classic Manbox trope that men's body counts are a badge of honor while women's are, as he states, "used as justification that she should be shot." He's talking specifically about the criticism Meg Thee Stallion has received, with people claiming she needs to stop ruining men's lives despite the fact that NBA star Klay Thompson cheated on her and hip hop artist Tory Lanez shot her.
If I were in your team room, I'd have those two incidents written on a whiteboard under a picture of Meg. The headers would read:
"What happened with her NBA relationship?"
"What happened with her hip hop relationship?"
Then I'd ask the guys to tell me the story.
I'd listen carefully—not just for what facts they remember, but for who ends up at the center of the story. Who gets named first? Who gets the most attention? Who becomes the subject of the conversation, and who becomes almost an afterthought?
Then I'd stop them.
"Guys, I actually wrote those prompts wrong."
I'd erase them and replace them with:
"What did Klay Thompson do to his girlfriend?"
"Why did Tory Lanez shoot his partner?"
Then I'd ask what changed.
If they immediately recognize why those questions feel different, you have a tremendous opportunity to talk about how the Manbox shapes not just our opinions, but the way we tell stories. Who becomes the main character? Who gets framed as the victim? Who quietly disappears from accountability?
If they don't notice the difference, that's valuable information too. It tells you there is work to do—not because they got the "wrong" answer, but because they haven't yet learned to notice how framing influences what we see.
Coaches Prompts
When your players tell a story involving harm, who do they naturally center?
How often do you rewrite questions instead of just asking better follow-up questions?
What other headlines could reveal invisible framing in your locker room?
Players Prompts
Why do some stories focus more on what happened to a woman than on what a man chose to do?
Can changing one question change who feels responsible?
When you retell a story, who gets the most airtime—and why?
The Mirror Turned on Me
This post (originally put up by @theequalityinstitute on Instagram) scared me.
Not because I disagree with it, but because it forced me to sit with a question I haven't been able to shake.
Is TeamsOfMen vulnerable to the very trap Dr. Stephanie Wescott is warning those of us working in the "anti"-Manbox space to avoid?
Is my launching so many teams into conversations about emotional fluency, self-reflection, and mental health inadvertently positioning inequality—and the misogyny that can flow from it—as primarily a male suffering issue? Am I falling down the Richard Reeves spiral?
My God...what if there's truth in that?
That's where I sit today.
I know we gain more access to teams when we frame this work around "unlocking better men" or helping boys "feel all the feels" than when we lead with the original impetus: helping ensure your boys keep their damn hands to themselves. The political realities of America in 2026 have only amplified that. If we want this work to exist in many communities, we often have to sanitize session titles to secure contracts.
But if, as Dr. Wescott writes, "...most people who experience hardship do not become sexist, abusive, or violent," then am I centering boys' pain in ways that unintentionally move the conversation away from the harm some boys cause?
Her line that keeps echoing in my head is this:
"When this happens, misogyny becomes something to empathise with rather than something to challenge."
That's a sentence I can't afford to dismiss simply because it makes me uncomfortable.
Do I think that's what TeamsOfMen has become?
No.
But I do think it's a question serious enough that I owe it more than a defensive response. Mirror Training doesn't work if I only ask other people to step in front of it. If there's even a chance that our framing could unintentionally shift attention away from accountability and toward explanation, then I have an obligation to examine it.
I don't have a definitive answer today.
But I also refuse to look away from the mirror simply because I might not like what I find.
Coach Discussion Prompts
How do we support boys without excusing harmful behavior?
Where's the line between explaining behavior and diminishing accountability?
When was the last time a critique made you reconsider your own coaching philosophy?
Player Discussion Prompts
Can understanding why someone acts a certain way coexist with holding them accountable?
What's the difference between empathy and excuse-making?
Why is it important to question your own beliefs, even when they're tied to work you're proud of?
Help Isn't Weakness
ITFDB.
If you don't know that stands for "It's Time For Dodger Baseball," then you probably can't relate to my Dodgers fandom. Next to the Cowboys, they're the team most likely to make me act like an irrational lunatic.
Having said that, I was disappointed this past week to hear Dodgers catcher Dalton Rushing say this after teammates and coaches tried to support him through an emotional stretch:
"It's embarrassing that I need support like that. I'm a grown man."
As we know, being able to play—or coach—a professional sport never guarantees someone has developed emotional fluency, compassion, or the ability to recognize and escape the Manbox.
Rushing, one of the organization's young talents, has had several emotional overflow moments recently: arguments behind the plate, visible frustration at the plate, broken bats, and interactions with teammates and coaches that suggest he's struggling to regulate those moments. This quote came after veterans and coaches intentionally sat shoulder-to-shoulder with him in the dugout to help him process what was happening.
What struck me wasn't simply that he resisted the support.
It was why.
"I'm a grown man."
That's a hell of a statement, though unfortunately not an unusual one, for a 25-year-old to make. Hopefully you've got another 50 or 60 years of growing left in front of you, my guy.
"It's embarrassing that I need support like that."
That's the sentence that keeps echoing in my head.
Because somewhere along the way, too many boys become convinced that maturity means needing less help instead of becoming better at receiving it. That's the Manbox talking.
I'd imagine every one of us has coached one or two players like this. Maybe you reached them. Maybe you didn't.
And that's the rub.
Some young men need another shoulder-to-shoulder conversation. Others need someone they respect to look them in the eye and say, "Yo, wake the eff up." The hardest part of coaching isn't knowing how to do either. It's knowing which one the young man in front of you needs today.
Coach Discussion Prompts
How do your players typically respond when you offer support during an emotional moment?
What messages about masculinity make it difficult for boys to receive help?
When do you choose a shoulder-to-shoulder conversation instead of a direct confrontation?
Player Discussion Prompts
Why do some guys feel embarrassed when someone tries to help them?
What's the difference between needing support and being dependent on someone?
Does becoming a man mean needing less help—or becoming more willing to use the help available?
Stop Giving Hate an Audience
Let's admit this upfront: I'm in a confrontational mood today. Between the vile coming out of the Supreme Court's decision this morning and some other stressors, I sat down to write feeling ready for a fight. That's why this was a perfect find (originally posted on Instagram by @theauntyeve under the label “How to annoy a sexist fool without raising your voice”).
I share this specific screengrab from her post because I think it is a challenge for both our male athletes AND us as coaches.
Far too often, even if we've committed ourselves to the TeamsOfMen mindset and the journey toward a better manhood, we settle for the uncomfortable laugh when a sexist, racist, or otherwise demeaning joke gets told in our vicinity. We don't confront the hate. We allow the bullshit. And it continues in our space, either from the same person or from others now emboldened by our laughter and our silence.
There are more suggestions in the original post for dealing with the inevitable dipshittery we'll encounter in our spaces. But I think asking our guys—and ourselves—to start here is hard enough.
Refuse to laugh.
"Tough" because we've somehow decided that being "a dawg" is reserved for taking the last-second shot or sacking the quarterback. We have far fewer examples of "being a dawg" by confronting misogyny in real time, in real spaces, with real social stakes.
Like telling your own boys, "Knock it off. The rape joke isn't funny."
That's the rep.
It isn't flashy. Nobody is going to put it on a highlight reel. But it might be one of the bravest things a young man ever does. It is a reality that enrages me. It is also a reality we can change.
Start by refusing to be the hyena laughing at something that should have died the moment it left someone's mouth.
Coach Discussion Prompts
What message does your silence send when a sexist or racist joke lands in your team room?
Why is confronting a teammate's language often harder than confronting an opponent?
What behaviors do we celebrate as "tough," and what behaviors deserve that label instead?
Player Discussion Prompts
Why do people laugh at jokes they don't actually find funny?
What's harder: confronting an opponent or confronting your own friend?
What would change in your locker room if the first person stopped laughing?
Supporting the Person, Releasing the Player
“You can’t save someone who loves drowning.”
I shared that quote (I believe I grabbed it from an Instagram post) with a colleague as we were discussing our shared frustration over the response—or lack thereof—from a player we all know is headed in a bad direction off the playing field. We've tried numerous intervention strategies. We've taken away playing time, restricted access to the sport, had long sit-down conversations, and invested countless hours. The player, while always gracious and appreciative of our love for him, simply won't change his decision-making or behavior.
As coaches, we can be as dedicated to the human beings in our program as possible. We can pour into them, love them, and move mountains to help them see a better path. But we cannot force them to take those steps. We can't make them reimagine the beliefs or paradigms that continue to dictate the choices they make. It's one of the maddening aspects of the job, and often the one that keeps you up longer than a scoreboard loss ever will.
Why the quote, then?
Because I think we have to develop a process that helps us determine whether a kid "loves drowning" or is "being pushed into the water."
If he's being pushed, we keep fighting like hell to remove the forces pushing him there. We advocate. We support. We intervene. We refuse to give up.
But if he keeps jumping back in of his own choosing, despite every lifeline that's been thrown his way, we eventually have to release ourselves from the belief that one more conversation is going to change everything.
That's hard.
Every story is different. Every circumstance deserves its own consideration. But we have to have a breaking point.
We have to decide that the player is no longer allowed to occupy a spot in our program while also believing that the person is always worthy of our care and support.
What that looks like for you may be very different than what it looks like for me. That's where the real work gets done. Your capacity, your program's standards, the support systems around the athlete, and the facts surrounding the situation all matter more than any template I can give you.
But you must have a line in the sand, Coach.
Otherwise, you run the risk of pouring so much energy into one young man that you no longer have enough left to serve the others who are asking you, every single day, to help them grow. It's a painful determination, and you'll probably second-guess yourself, especially if the athlete regresses after leaving your program.
But sometimes the consequence of repeated choices is losing access to the sport.
That isn't the same thing as losing access to people who care.
Sometimes removing basketball, football, or wrestling is exactly what a young man needs to begin taking ownership of the rest of his life. If that's where the journey leads, so be it.
Coach Discussion Prompts
How do you distinguish between an athlete who needs more support and one who is repeatedly rejecting it?
Have you clearly defined the point at which a player's behavior costs them a place in your program?
How can you remove someone from the team without communicating that you've stopped caring about them as a person?
Player Discussion Prompts
What's the difference between someone helping you and someone trying to make your choices for you?
When does accountability become a consequence rather than another conversation?
Can someone care deeply about you while still refusing to let you remain on a team? Why?
Better, Not Identical
Maybe it's the proximity to Father's Day, or maybe it's the direct line from fatherhood to coaching that I feel in my bones, but this article spoke to me as something I had to share with our TeamsOfMen community. Why? Because I think it will challenge you to #mirrortrain both as a person in charge of other people's kids and with your own babies.
The article itself shares results from a survey of 1,500 fathers of children 18 years old or younger and asks them to reflect on both their current version of fathering and what they experienced from their own dads growing up. I don't want to spoil the entire article (I think when you share your take on someone else's work, you should send people to that work itself), but some of the findings that grabbed me are in the table below.
So absolutely go read the article for yourself. But I also want to put how this hit me into perspective here.
My dad, Kas Ioane, is my hero. I spent a large portion of my existence either trying to earn his approval or trying to model the impact he had on people. My brother and I both followed him into coaching. We both literally choose to pronounce our last name as "eye-own" (when the pronunciation on the Samoan Islands is different) because Pops built that name. We run a nonprofit in his honor.
But we were also fortunate enough to hear him tell us repeatedly that the goal of our lives was not to be him, but to be better. If he said it once, he said it 1,000 times.
I can't speak for my brother, but there was immense freedom in that for me. I felt able to chase the feeling he gave people without feeling obligated to copy the path he took to get there. I could chart my own version of being a coach and my own version of being a dad.
My father was not perfect, and I can hold the truth that he was immensely impactful on my life while also knowing there were things I did not want to replicate. That's not disrespect. That's the assignment.
I wonder how many of you feel the same way about your dad?
Or maybe, more directly relatable to this space, the coach in your life who you loved but don't want to copy as you lead your own program.
Because I think that's what stood out to me most in this survey. Not that today's fathers are reporting being more emotionally expressive than the fathers who raised them. It's that many seem to have embraced the idea that honoring the people who raised us doesn't require becoming carbon copies of them.
As coaches, that's worth sitting with.
Every season we ask players to learn from us. The real question is whether we're giving them permission to eventually become better versions of coaches, husbands, fathers, and men than we are right now.
Coach Discussion Prompts
Who was a coach you admired deeply but intentionally chose not to imitate in certain areas?
What parts of your upbringing are you trying to carry forward? What parts are you trying to improve upon?
Do your athletes feel pressure to become versions of you, or permission to become versions of themselves?
Player Discussion Prompts
What's something you admire about a parent, coach, or mentor that you hope to carry forward?
What's something you hope to do differently when you're older?
Can you honor someone's impact on your life without copying everything they did? Why or why not?
Words We Shouldn't Be Afraid Of
There was a post I came across in my scrolling recently by Dr. Gracie McLaven (a clinical psychologist) on LinkedIn. It immediately grabbed my attention because of the list of terms she provided that seemed to trigger shadow banning on that (and other social media) platforms. I provided the definition of shadow banning in the title image for this post, but in essence, it's the suppression of content based on words you use without you necessarily being aware your posts are being stifled.
Now scroll below and look at the list of terms that Dr. McLaven and others discovered can lead to being shadow banned. Ask yourself: Are these really things to be muted? Scared of? So terrifying that posts containing them should be limited or hidden?
They're fairly mundane, accurate scientific terms referring to women's anatomy, health, and bodily functions.
You cannot be a TeamsOfMen coach and be scared of these terms.
If you're thinking, "Kip, my guy, my admin, my parents, or my players are scared of these terms," then we know exactly where the work is. We need conversations with those stakeholders about why that discomfort exists in the first place.
Our players (their sons, their students) cannot possibly develop respect for women or learn how to treat women well if we can't even say words related to women's anatomy or day-to-day bodily functions around them. If basic biology becomes taboo, we've already taught a lesson. Just not the one we intended.
Take off the earmuffs.
Coach Discussion Prompts
Are there words or topics related to women's health that we avoid discussing around our athletes? Why?
What lessons do players learn when adults treat basic anatomy as taboo?
How does discomfort with these conversations impact our ability to teach respect and healthy relationships?
Player Discussion Prompts
Why do you think some of the words on this list make people uncomfortable?
What message do boys receive when normal discussions about women's bodies are avoided?
Can someone truly respect another person's experience if they refuse to learn about it? Why or why not?
What Kind Of Fine?
I haven’t spent a ton of time exploring the author of the post above (@themancav_aus) so I can’t really say “go follow this account.” However, this slide on this post DOES land with me as something for both the coach of male athletes in you and, for those of you it applies to, the father in you.
I know I ask my 19-year-old son some version of "Yo, how was your day? Class? Work?" on a regular basis, and I often get back "fine," "good," or "the same." Like a lot of parents, I then find myself talking with my wife about whether he's really sharing much of anything with us and wondering if there is a better way to get beyond the surface. That's why this framing stuck with me. "Fine like good, fine like something, or fine like we need to have a big chat?" is a simple device, but it's one that invites a young person to clarify what they actually mean rather than allowing the conversation to end where it usually does.
The coach in me immediately went somewhere else. I started thinking about those first few players who trickle into the gym or onto the field before practice. You ask, "How was your day, Kev?" and 70-80% of the time you probably get some version of "Fine, Coach." Most of us accept the answer and move on. Sometimes that's perfectly appropriate. But I wonder what would happen if every coach in a program committed to asking one follow-up question like this for one athlete each day. Not every kid every day. Not some impossible relationship-building marathon. Just enough intentionality that every player in your program gets a moment once or twice a month where someone pauses and asks, "What kind of fine are we talking about?"
Would that take a lot of planning? Yep.
Would that take a lot of follow up? Yep.
Would you have days where you didn’t feel like doing it? Yep.
But, we ask our players to do hard things that take up time even when they don’t “feel like it". We ask our guys to embrace “the grind.” We tell ourselves that our program will leave “no stone unturned” in the pursuit of our goals. Well, consider this a pretty important stone for each kid to see what’s underneath.
Because the power of the example above isn't really the phrase. It's the willingness to stay in the conversation for thirty more seconds after most adults would have moved on. And sometimes that's all it takes for a young man to decide whether he's carrying something alone or sharing it with someone who can help.
Coach Prompts
How often do you accept "fine" as an answer when you know it probably isn't the whole story?
What follow-up questions have helped you build stronger relationships with athletes?
If every player in your program got one meaningful check-in per month, what impact might that have?
Player Prompts
When an adult asks how you're doing, what makes you decide whether to give the real answer or the easy answer?
Has a coach, teacher, or parent ever asked a follow-up question that made you feel genuinely seen?
What are some words people use when they're struggling but don't want to say they're struggling?