Man Up or Grow Up? The Fine Line in Coaching Language

I’ve been paying more attention than ever to the Memphis Grizzlies this year, mainly because one of my former players was drafted by them, and I love seeing his name in the box score.

But when you study the Grizzlies, it’s clear the entire franchise orbits around Ja Morant. Recently, the team suspended Morant for one game for conduct detrimental to the team — reportedly stemming from his verbal and physical reaction to in-person criticism from the head coach.

The screengrab above is from Hall of Famer Carmelo Anthony and his attempt at “speaking” to Morant, offering advice on how to move forward. What stands out to me, through a TeamsOfMen lens, isn’t Melo’s intention — which is clearly to help a younger player refocus and grow — but the language he uses to try to get that message across.

“Ja has to man up.”
“Own up, man up.”
“Put your big boy pants on.”

I’ve said those same things before, and I’m sure many of you have too, all with good intentions and a desire to inspire accountability. But right alongside those tired tropes of masculinity are phrases like “testing,” “look yourself in the mirror,” and “take ownership” — all of which we can agree are legitimate life skills.

Words matter. Melo’s message is close to being spot on — it just needs an adjustment in language, a removal of the clichés about “manliness,” to make the transformation complete.

Coach Prompts

• How often do I use outdated or gendered phrases when I’m actually trying to teach accountability?

• What’s my go-to language for calling players up instead of calling them out?

• Could I replace “man up” with something that reflects growth rather than toughness?

Player Prompts

• When I hear a coach or peer say “man up,” what do I think it means?

• Do I equate accountability with emotionless toughness, or with learning and self-reflection?

• How can I “look in the mirror” without letting shame or defensiveness take over?