The Program Is a Family? Then Show Me the Love.

The post above from Twitter made me dig deeper into both the quote and the man behind it — and reflect hard on something I hear constantly in coaching circles:

“We’re a family.”
“These are my sons.”
“This program is my home.”

I genuinely believe that many of us mean those words. I’ll even grant that the intention behind them is often good — we get into this work because we want to provide belonging, connection, and growth for young men through the sport we love.

But if what Terrence Real says is true — that “the key component of a boy’s healthy relationship to his father is affection, not ‘masculinity’” — then we have to pause and ask:

What is the actual impact of how we run these “families”?

Authoritarian coaching might’ve felt normal to us, but the “because I said so” model isn’t raising better men. It’s just recycling harm and dressing it up in discipline.

It’s not your presence that makes you a father figure — it’s your ability to show love. To be emotionally fluent. To create safety and trust, not fear and obedience.

You yelling at him like your old coach yelled at you? That’s not preparing him for the world — it’s prepping him to repeat cycles of harm. He’ll leave your program more armored up, less connected, and with no reps in how to build a relationship rooted in care.

This realization doesn’t have to feel like a takedown. It can be the spark for a new challenge. A shift. A reboot.

Imagine building your practice plan around this question:
How did we show love to our guys today?

Imagine your staff meetings asking:
Where did we coach connection alongside correction?

That’s still coaching. That’s still calling them up to better. That’s still meaningful.

But it’s also the kind of work that might actually make your program feel like the family you keep saying it is.

Coach Prompt:

How often do we say we “love” our players — but never actually show it in a way they can recognize, feel, or carry with them into adulthood?

Player Prompt:

What kind of coaching makes you feel seen, supported, and trusted — not just as an athlete, but as a human being?