Appalling… But Not Surprising
Today’s blog is in response to an exploration of a horrific incident involving a high school boys program in Washington. I won’t rehash the details here—you can find those yourself.
What I will say is this:
It’s appalling… but NOT surprising.
“How can you say that, Kip?”
Because I’ve lived in, studied, and worked to change the reality of how young men—when in groups—police one another into the trappings of the Manbox. I KNOW the extent to which they will go to PROVE THEIR MANHOOD to each other. And in doing that, the things they are willing to DO TO ONE ANOTHER to solidify their status.
This doesn’t start with a moment like the one in the headlines.
It starts with what gets laughed at.
What gets ignored.
What gets excused.
What never gets talked about.
As coaches, we have to intentionally talk, model, and mandate that our spaces can identify the Manbox—and reject what it teaches.
Because if we don’t…
If we don’t level up the words our players use,
If we don’t challenge the lie that “being an alpha” is something to prove,
If we don’t teach them to see the humanity in others—especially those most often targeted in male spaces—
Then we are not neutral. We are allowing something to grow.
“Kip, you’re being dramatic…”
Ask the coaches in that program if they would have said the same thing when their season started. If you’re not sure how your team would respond in a moment like this… that’s the work.
This is the type of work we don’t just talk about—we build plans around—at the 3rd Annual Active Agent Summit.
Your team room can either be a launchpad for growth… or a space where harm goes unchallenged.
Coach Prompts
What gets laughed at in your team space right now?
When was the last time you directly challenged harmful language or behavior—and what happened after?
If something serious happened in your locker room, who would your players go to first?
Player Prompts
What does “proving manhood” look like in your friend group or team?
What’s something you’ve seen or heard that didn’t sit right—but you didn’t speak up about?
Who sets the tone in your locker room—and how do they do it?
