Are You Asking For Respect…or Obedience?
If you missed this earlier this week, this one we can chalk up as a master class in “performative politeness” disguising a real control issue.
Virginia Tech Head Football Coach James Franklin started off what I can only assume is his weekly press briefing by refusing to answer a question from a reporter without first getting the exact interaction he apparently wanted from him.
Except here's the weird part: the reporter, Michael Howes of The Baltimore Sun, had ALREADY started with “Hey, Coach,” before introducing himself and beginning his question. Franklin responded “Hey, Michael,” and then repeatedly interrupted Howes with the same greeting as he tried to continue. Howes later explained that he couldn't see Franklin on Zoom and initially thought his audio was glitching.
After making the viral rounds, the clip has generated debate over whether the coach was actually “just doing the polite thing and asking for that in return” or, as I would view it from a TeamsOfMen lens, deciding to expect the level of power and mandated action he enjoys over his players in the real world.
Listen, it IS polite to respond to a person saying hello to you with some sort of acknowledgement. If you are greeted, I suppose it’s reasonable to reciprocate back (either verbally or with some sort of head nod or wave). I’m not arguing that.
But I also know that a failure in that department is not the final nail in the coffin of our society and I wouldn’t stop in my tracks and forcefully confront someone who hasn’t given me a dap up.
And again, in this case, Howes HAD greeted him.
What I believe we have here is a man used to owning a room, not just in presence, but in mandated obedience. I say jump, 100 men jump. I say echo a phrase, all voices sing. But that’s not the actual world.
That’s the environment your status and privilege as the coach have afforded you.
Coach Franklin doesn’t “coach” Michael. Michael doesn’t play “for” Virginia Tech Football.
This is a silly display of power that he should be above (or at the very least, later, off to the side ask Michael “Hey, Mike, listen, I think it’s polite to have a little back-and-forth with each other before we do the song and dance of Q&A. You good with that?”
Because there is a difference between wanting someone to be polite and requiring someone to perform politeness exactly the way YOU want before you'll allow the interaction to continue.
One is a relationship preference.
The other starts looking a whole lot like obedience.
Coach Prompts
When you say a player is being “disrespectful,” what observable behavior are you actually responding to?
Does “respect” in your program ever accidentally mean doing exactly what the coach expects, exactly when the coach expects it?
How does the power you hold inside your program affect what you expect from people outside of it?
Player Prompts
What is the difference between respecting someone and obeying someone?
Have you ever been accused of being disrespectful when you felt like you simply didn’t respond the way someone wanted you to?
When someone doesn’t respond to you the way you expect, how quickly do you assume they are disrespecting you?
