“That’s Not Him”

One of the points I shared during my recent appearance on the Hoop Heads Podcast was that I think coaches sometimes spend too much time focusing on behavior and not enough time investigating what is underneath it.

Every coach has had the experience. A player says something cruel. A player starts a fight. A player shows off. A player takes a joke too far. A player does something that leaves us shaking our heads. And somewhere in the conversation that follows, a coach inevitably says, "That's not him."

Maybe.

But maybe it is. Or at least maybe it's the version of himself he feels pressure to become in that moment.

One of the concepts we discuss in TeamsOfMen is the idea of "man points"—the invisible scoreboard many boys and young men carry around that tells them they have to constantly prove something. Toughness. Dominance. Fearlessness. Status. Control. Popularity. Coolness. Whatever the category, the message is often the same: perform correctly and you'll earn approval.

When that scoreboard becomes the priority, young men start performing instead of being. They interrupt because they want attention. They laugh because they don't want to look weak. They pile on because they don't want to be the next target. They say things they don't actually believe because they're trying to earn approval from the room.

From the outside, it looks like bad behavior. Sometimes it is. But the behavior is often the symptom, not the cause.

This is why simply telling boys to "be respectful" rarely creates lasting change. If we never address the pressures they feel to perform masculinity in a certain way, we're asking them to fight a battle we haven't even named.

The question isn't always, "How do I stop this behavior?" Sometimes the better question is, "What is he trying to prove?"

That question won't excuse harmful actions. But it might help us understand them. And understanding creates opportunities for coaching that punishment alone never will.

Coach Prompts

• Think about the last time you said, "That's not him." What behavior were you reacting to?

• What pressures might that athlete have been feeling in that moment?

• How often do you address the belief underneath the behavior rather than the behavior itself?

Player Prompts

• Have you ever done something because you felt pressure to impress others?

• What are some of the unspoken expectations young men feel from teammates, friends, or social media?

• How can you tell when you're acting like yourself versus performing for approval?