Bring Who You've Become
This past weekend I spent time with a group of lifelong buddies (literally guys I have known and been teammates/friends with since elementary school) in Reno, NV. We have a tradition where as many of us as possible get together for a weekend, centered around my brother Kane’s college football team’s schedule. He’s currently the defensive coordinator at the University of Nevada, but whether there, at Boise State, the University of Washington or even Montana State, we pick a game that is located somewhere we all want to meet at and then we spend an awesome two days together.
I bring this up because I think our group finds itself, like many male friend groups, navigating the nuance of adult friendship:
What we were THEN
What we are NOW
How long we go between actually experiencing time together
Now, if you dive into this, you will probably recognize the similarity between those three bullet points and the life cycles of a team. You can draw throughlines to your players being around each other all day every day IN SEASON, then going their separate ways in the offseason and reconvening the next year, older, (hopefully bigger and faster) and looking to rekindle bonds and relationships.
It is NOT easy to do.
Because the people who come back aren't exactly the same people who left.
How does this apply to TeamsOfMen convos with your guys?
Because I think you SHARE adventures like this with them…not just in terms of “yeah, we flew in at this point, we then did this thing, our seats were here” transparency truths, but VULNERABLE things like “Yeah, a friend of mine is single now, looking to start a new adult relationship” or “this guy, we hadn’t seen in two years, we had NO idea his wife was sick” or any other of the many things that come up when you get back together with a group and both try to relive the old days AND create new memories.
Those are chances to show your players that adult male friendship isn't just nostalgia. It requires continuing to learn who your friends are becoming.
Here’s an easy one to start a convo with your guys about: “So, when you picture your friend from elementary school…is he the same guy today? Do you treat him like he is (for example, a nickname he had in 2nd grade might not feel right to him now in 10th)? How can you help the friendship grow and be about who each of you are now?”
You could go another way and ask: “When you are around your guys who ARE NOT in our TeamsOfMen sessions, do you hold them accountable to language and jokes you know now are nonsense…or do you just stay silent?”
Because that's another test of growth: when you return to an old group, do you bring the person you've become with you? Or do you slip back into the version of yourself that group remembers?
A combo of these could prove to be a powerful reflection and MODELING for your guys about how important friendship can be, but also about the idea that we must let and CELEBRATE each other as we grow beyond the “old days".
The old stories matter. The old nicknames might. The old jokes might not.
Maybe part of being a lifelong friend is giving each other permission to become somebody you didn't know when you first became friends.
Coach Prompts
When you talk with your players about friendship, do you talk about how friendships have to change as the people inside them change?
What could you share from your own adult friendships that would MODEL something your players rarely get to hear men discuss openly?
When your players leave your team environment and return to other friend groups, are you preparing them to bring their growth with them?
Player Prompts
Think about one of your oldest friends. How is he different from the person you first became friends with?
Is there an old nickname, joke, expectation, or version of you that doesn't really fit who you are anymore?
When you're around friends who aren't part of the conversations happening on your team, do you act like the person you're becoming or slip back into the person they expect you to be?
