You Don't Have To Laugh
So I have a Starbucks addiction.
No, seriously.
Every day, since the birth of my oldest child in 2007, I have had at least one Starbucks Venti Iced Coffee (sometimes two).
Yeah, it’s an issue I’m well aware of but unwilling to do anything about.
Also, as you are all aware, I am into Mantra TShirts. I think taking the small step in courage of wearing a shirt with words on it that not only state something you believe in, but also something you are pretty sure others disagree with, is a choice we should all try to make occasionally.
These two truths collided yesterday for me at my local “watering hole” Starbucks here in Salem. I was in for my usual and it happened to be a light-traffic today and there was a middle-aged man also waiting for his mobile order to be served. I caught his gaze as I walked in and I knew he was reading my shirt (one of the She Is Not Your Rehab line found here). I took a short breath knowing some nonsense was coming and the man said, “Whoa, what does that shirt say?”
I responded, “She Is Not Your Rehab,” and sort of flipped the bottom of the shirt out a little tighter so he could read the text.
He said, “What does that mean?”
I said, “To me, it means that if you are a man with a wife, girlfriend, partner….that person is NOT responsible for your issues. You need to figure them out your damn self.”
He made a weird joke about “being IN rehab” and then said “well, I think women should wear that shirt for us” which of course is a pretty clean example of the deflection tendency we men know well: somehow turning a challenge about our behavior into a conversation about what women do wrong.
I said, “Tell me more about that” something which he appeared very unready to do.
He mumbled something and the convo ended.
I don’t think I changed the world yesterday during this Starbucks convo.
But, I do think this was an opportunity to interrupt some line of thinking and a script too many men let unfold unchallenged. This person, who let’s stop short of claiming to be awful (but most likely carries some Manbox training) was used to saying some sexist -ish, joke, banter with another man and getting laughter back.
I simply didn’t provide it.
That in and of itself was I’m sure a shock to his system. If that shock held or not is immaterial.
For me, it was a modeling of what I ask my players to do. In those moments, when someone is saying or doing what you KNOW you don’t agree with, you at least have to say something.
And THAT is the part I keep coming back to.
He didn’t need me to win an argument with him. I didn’t need the perfect comeback. I didn’t need to turn Starbucks into a TeamsOfMen session.
I just needed to not give him what the script was asking me for: another man’s approval.
Or, sometimes, simply refuse to give them the laugh, head nod, “exactly,” or whatever other form of approval they expected from you.
Because interrupting a script doesn’t always require a speech. Sometimes the interruption is simply making sure the other guy doesn’t leave believing you agreed with him.
Coach Prompts
When a player makes a sexist, homophobic, or otherwise harmful joke, what response is he expecting from the other guys in the room?
Do your players believe interrupting something they disagree with requires a confrontation, or have you shown them smaller ways to refuse participation?
How often do YOU unintentionally reinforce a harmful script with a laugh, smile, head nod, or silence?
Player Prompts
Think about the last time another guy said something you disagreed with but you laughed or went along with anyway. Why did you?
What could you do when a friend says something you don’t agree with without turning the moment into a huge confrontation?
What does another guy assume about your beliefs when you laugh along with something he says?
When a player makes a sexist, homophobic, or otherwise harmful joke, what response is he expecting from the other guys in the room?
