Better, Not Identical
Maybe it's the proximity to Father's Day, or maybe it's the direct line from fatherhood to coaching that I feel in my bones, but this article spoke to me as something I had to share with our TeamsOfMen community. Why? Because I think it will challenge you to #mirrortrain both as a person in charge of other people's kids and with your own babies.
The article itself shares results from a survey of 1,500 fathers of children 18 years old or younger and asks them to reflect on both their current version of fathering and what they experienced from their own dads growing up. I don't want to spoil the entire article (I think when you share your take on someone else's work, you should send people to that work itself), but some of the findings that grabbed me are in the table below.
So absolutely go read the article for yourself. But I also want to put how this hit me into perspective here.
My dad, Kas Ioane, is my hero. I spent a large portion of my existence either trying to earn his approval or trying to model the impact he had on people. My brother and I both followed him into coaching. We both literally choose to pronounce our last name as "eye-own" (when the pronunciation on the Samoan Islands is different) because Pops built that name. We run a nonprofit in his honor.
But we were also fortunate enough to hear him tell us repeatedly that the goal of our lives was not to be him, but to be better. If he said it once, he said it 1,000 times.
I can't speak for my brother, but there was immense freedom in that for me. I felt able to chase the feeling he gave people without feeling obligated to copy the path he took to get there. I could chart my own version of being a coach and my own version of being a dad.
My father was not perfect, and I can hold the truth that he was immensely impactful on my life while also knowing there were things I did not want to replicate. That's not disrespect. That's the assignment.
I wonder how many of you feel the same way about your dad?
Or maybe, more directly relatable to this space, the coach in your life who you loved but don't want to copy as you lead your own program.
Because I think that's what stood out to me most in this survey. Not that today's fathers are reporting being more emotionally expressive than the fathers who raised them. It's that many seem to have embraced the idea that honoring the people who raised us doesn't require becoming carbon copies of them.
As coaches, that's worth sitting with.
Every season we ask players to learn from us. The real question is whether we're giving them permission to eventually become better versions of coaches, husbands, fathers, and men than we are right now.
Coach Discussion Prompts
Who was a coach you admired deeply but intentionally chose not to imitate in certain areas?
What parts of your upbringing are you trying to carry forward? What parts are you trying to improve upon?
Do your athletes feel pressure to become versions of you, or permission to become versions of themselves?
Player Discussion Prompts
What's something you admire about a parent, coach, or mentor that you hope to carry forward?
What's something you hope to do differently when you're older?
Can you honor someone's impact on your life without copying everything they did? Why or why not?
