Stop Giving Hate an Audience

Let's admit this upfront: I'm in a confrontational mood today. Between the vile coming out of the Supreme Court's decision this morning and some other stressors, I sat down to write feeling ready for a fight. That's why this was a perfect find (originally posted on Instagram by @theauntyeve under the label “How to annoy a sexist fool without raising your voice”).

I share this specific screengrab from her post because I think it is a challenge for both our male athletes AND us as coaches.

Far too often, even if we've committed ourselves to the TeamsOfMen mindset and the journey toward a better manhood, we settle for the uncomfortable laugh when a sexist, racist, or otherwise demeaning joke gets told in our vicinity. We don't confront the hate. We allow the bullshit. And it continues in our space, either from the same person or from others now emboldened by our laughter and our silence.

There are more suggestions in the original post for dealing with the inevitable dipshittery we'll encounter in our spaces. But I think asking our guys—and ourselves—to start here is hard enough.

Refuse to laugh.

"Tough" because we've somehow decided that being "a dawg" is reserved for taking the last-second shot or sacking the quarterback. We have far fewer examples of "being a dawg" by confronting misogyny in real time, in real spaces, with real social stakes.

Like telling your own boys, "Knock it off. The rape joke isn't funny."

That's the rep.

It isn't flashy. Nobody is going to put it on a highlight reel. But it might be one of the bravest things a young man ever does. It is a reality that enrages me. It is also a reality we can change.

Start by refusing to be the hyena laughing at something that should have died the moment it left someone's mouth.

Coach Discussion Prompts

• What message does your silence send when a sexist or racist joke lands in your team room?

• Why is confronting a teammate's language often harder than confronting an opponent?

• What behaviors do we celebrate as "tough," and what behaviors deserve that label instead?

Player Discussion Prompts

• Why do people laugh at jokes they don't actually find funny?

• What's harder: confronting an opponent or confronting your own friend?

• What would change in your locker room if the first person stopped laughing?