The Saturday Script.
Listen, I’m as big a football fan as there is.
Between the Dallas Cowboys, the Oregon Ducks and Notre Dame, I can spend a large chunk of any weekend locked into multiple TV sets, ranting and raving about the goings on of the gridiron.
But, to be truthful, the stat above, released by RAINN recently, doesn’t shock me at all.
Many of us have tailgated before a big game. Many of us have hosted a watch party for a big game. Many of us have celebrated after a big game.
The recipe stays the same: Food, friends, ENERGY, and ALCOHOL. For hours before, during and after.
Now, couple that with the idea that this script plays out across the country every weekend in the Fall and early Winter, and you certainly can see how these settings can create opportunities for harm.
And as I am writing this, I’m also wondering if my short description is doing too much caping for “the scene” as the culprit and not enough pointing the finger where it belongs: At the men who decide that this “story” of a great Saturday always needs to end with their “getting some ass.”
We’re gonna play beer pong, then we’re going to take a stroll around the parking lot, check out the “local talent” and then hone in on whoever we decide we're entitled to see naked. Call it what it is: that's a predatory landscape ripe with folks living out their sexual conquest fantasy.
I would normally share the RAINN recommendations with you here for how to reduce risk…and sure, you should read them here and you should share them with your team.
But, as you know if you’ve been reading me lately, I don't think sharing recommendations, by itself, gets us anywhere near the work that needs to happen.
You’re going to have to challenge them. Call them out, raise your voice…then stand side by side with them as you get them to walk the path honestly for a “good weekend with the boys.”
What do they see? What do they hope for? Who do they see being necessary in the space besides their dudes? Because they are, if you have the honest relationship you claim to have, they are going to say “Coach, there’s gotta be some girls.”
GOOD. Now we're getting somewhere.
Because my next question is going to be WHY?
Why does a weekend with your boys REQUIRE access to girls? What are you hoping happens when you find them? And what happens when what YOU want isn't what THEY want?
Who among your boys is willing to say something when the plan starts moving from having a good time to treating someone else like the prize for having one?
And who gets laughed at, dismissed, or told to quit ruining the night when he does?
THAT is the conversation I want coaches having. Not because we can guarantee what every one of our players will do on a Saturday night, but because we can challenge the expectations they carry into it. The food isn't the problem. The football isn't the problem. And the presence of women certainly isn't the problem.
The problem is the men who believe a good weekend entitles them to someone else's body. And the other men who help make that belief feel normal.
COACH PROMPTS
When was the last time you asked your players to describe what a great weekend with their friends actually looks like, rather than simply reminding them to make good choices?
How comfortable are you challenging the expectation that women should be part of a successful night out for your male athletes?
If a player told you his teammates were pressuring him to help them “get some,” what would you want him to be prepared to say or do?
PLAYER PROMPTS
When you and your friends plan a night out, what makes you decide afterward that it was a GOOD night?
If one of your boys said, “There's gotta be some girls,” what do you think he actually means? What expectations come with that statement?
What happens in your friend group when someone challenges the way another guy is talking about or treating women?
