Bare Minimum Isn't Character
This post (originally put on IG by @atiyataranyak) is an immediate use for your coaching staff (and maybe a deep, long reflection with yourself).
I have long said in TeamsOfMen sessions, “You don’t get a cookie for keeping your hands to yourself. That is bare minimum expectation.”
And I wonder what reactions you will get with both that line and this graphic (which by the way, includes 3–4 more slides of these interrogating type questions and frames).
It also does a great job of identifying real steps to courage in young men’s lives. These three on this slide alone clearly lay out times in your life where you WILL be faced with a decision to participate in bullshit OR call it out and interrupt it.
And by doing so, you WILL be risking status with your peer group...and even an uncomfortable realization with yourself that “Damn, I can’t be that guy anymore.”
As a coaching community, we are very comfortable establishing the baseline minimum skillsets we require for playing time. We tell kids all the time that “in this program, we ALWAYS _____” and then list out things we do on the field and court that are expectations of every play, snap or at bat.
And when those expectations aren't met, we don't just shrug and say, “Well, at least he didn't do something worse.” We coach it. We rep it. We hold him accountable to it.
So why are we going around championing the “good dudes” we have when they are simply “not rapists”?
What are we actually asking them to DO?
When their boys start rating girls' bodies, do they participate? Stay quiet? Or interrupt it? When one of their teammates starts policing what his girlfriend wears, does anyone challenge him? Or do they decide that's just relationship stuff and none of their business?
Because those are choices. Those are behaviors. And those are things we can actually coach.
I don't need my players to tell me they're good dudes. I need them to demonstrate what being a good dude LOOKS like when doing so might cost them something.
And if we're comfortable demanding that kind of repetition to make them better basketball players, why wouldn't we demand it to help them become better men?
COACH PROMPTS
What behaviors do you currently praise as evidence of good character that might actually be nothing more than meeting the bare minimum?
If you asked your players to finish the sentence “In our program, we ALWAYS _____” with expectations for how they treat women and girls, what would they say?
When have you personally chosen to stay quiet rather than challenge another man's behavior because speaking up might cost you status or acceptance?
PLAYER PROMPTS
What's something guys get praised for NOT doing that you think should simply be a bare minimum expectation?
If your friends started rating girls' bodies on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you actually do? What might it cost you socially to challenge them?
Think about a time you laughed along with, stayed quiet about, or participated in something you now recognize was wrong. What would you do differently if it happened again?
