You Don't Gotta.
“As a man, I gotta…”
I’ve long argued that there may be no more destructive trap sentence than that one. And I know most men reading this can probably think of a time they’ve deployed it.
Pay attention to what comes AFTER “As a man, I gotta…” because what follows is often a Manbox-influenced limitation you’ve placed on yourself. TeamsOfMen teaches us to help our young men identify the snare before it makes the choice for them.
Our video share today (originally posted to IG by @newemergingking) is a great example of how to show your guys a way to counter the programming of “As a man, I gotta.”
What do I mean? The video shows a training session on deescalation, including a skit where the trainers role play how an interaction can go sideways AND how to stop it from doing so.
The shoulder bump, the mean mugging, the fist clenching…all those triggers that you see on a football field post play…on a basketball court after a hard foul…on a soccer pitch after a slide tackle gone awry. Think about how many times you’ve had a player react with that exact posture, get the flag or whistle for the resulting tussle, and then give you some version of: “Coach, as a man, I gotta…”
But he doesn’t gotta. He has options.
This could be the video you need (either to show, or to steal techniques of unlearning training from) to show your players how to #meetthemoment differently in your program. I would probably take it a step further and ask the guys to show you the way THEY would be currently comfortable deescalating. What would they say? What would they do with their hands? Would they walk away? Could they walk away without feeling like they had just “lost” something?
Their answers give you another launch point. Meet the guys where they are and start unlearning the idea that every confrontation requires them to prove something.
Coach Prompts
What versions of “As a man, I gotta…” have you heard from your players after a confrontation?
When conflict starts escalating, what options have you actually taught and rehearsed with your players?
Could your players deescalate a confrontation without feeling like they backed down or “lost”?
Player Prompts
Finish this sentence honestly: “If another guy disrespects me, I gotta…”
What could you do to deescalate a confrontation and still feel like you stood up for yourself?
When someone bumps you, stares you down, or talks trash, what makes it hardest to choose not to escalate?
