When Empathy Becomes Protection
This (from Patriots QB Drake Maye) proves something to me that I think many fundamentally misunderstand about men:
We DO know how to show up for people.
In moments of grief, crisis, heartbreak, or collapse, men are often very aware that community matters. We know how to rally. We know how to read a room. We know when somebody is hurting and needs support around them.
And the fact we DO KNOW makes it even more maddening, more infuriating that Maye (and I’m assuming his teammates because he uses the word “we” here so much) decided to these empathy skills to help their Head Coach Mike Vrabel.
“But Kip, you’re the TeamsOfMen guy. You’re the coach who wants everyone to feel all the feels and embrace compassion..you know, all that soft shit you peddle”.
Yeah, I am. And I’m also the guy versed in the bullshit men like to use. I’m the guy who recognizes when nuance and a little critical thinking is needed alongside emotional fluency to ascertain that my coach being (allegedly) involved in a multi year extramarital affair with an NFL reporter is not a “circle the wagon” moment. We don’t need “all hands on deck” when coach has been cheating on his wife.
Why aren’t they coming together to say “We want coach to do what he’s always preached to us and take care of his family first. However long it takes to get right with his family and the people he hurt most, he needs to do that and I hope he does.”
Why aren’t they making statements like “Well, it serves as a reminder how quickly the best part of your life can be sabotaged by your own selfish, short sighted choices. We’ll learn from him.” A bridge too far apparently. I mean look at this from Patriots season ticket holders:
Is he returning from combat? Did he beat cancer for the third time? No. He got caught cheating on his wife and the mother of his children. And THIS, THIS is where we all want to use our empathy? This, amongst all the ills of the world, the suffering of innocents, this is where the Patriots players and fans plant their flag and say “We got you?”
It’s disgusting. It’s at best misguided, and at worst intentionally rallying around an event you hope to get the same grace for causing yourself in the future. It’s shades of DARVO & JADE wrapped around a veneer of gridiron god worship. Yes, everyone fails at some point in life. Yes, everyone deserves grace going through the process of accountability and restoration. But, the man gave a written for him statement, went to a day’s worth of counseling and now needs to be welcomed back like the messiah?
This should matters to coaches sports. Players are always watching what gets defended, what gets minimized, and what the adults around them rush to protect.
And right now, the message feels pretty clear:
If you win enough games and carry enough status, people will work a hell of a lot harder to restore your comfort than confront your behavior.
Coach Prompts
When does supporting someone cross into protecting them from accountability?
What messages do players receive when adults excuse harmful behavior from powerful men?
How do you respond differently when the person who messed up is someone respected or successful?
What responsibility do coaches have to name harm honestly, even when it involves someone they admire?
Player Prompts
What does it actually mean to “have someone’s back”?
What do athletes learn when famous or powerful people avoid consequences?
How would you want people to respond if your actions hurt others?
Why do you think men sometimes defend each other so quickly in situations like this?
